Being A "Stay-At-Home" Mother

Ever since I was really little I looked up to my mom for being an at-home-mother. I wanted to be just like her and also do that which the Lord has counseled us to do, and that is to be at home and nurturing our children and keeping them safe and teaching them so they can grow.

Now, when I was five years old, I was asked the typical question for a kindergartner, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I immediately responded, "An At-Home-Mom." I remember my teacher looking at me and her saying, "Oh...but you should choose a career to go into, dear." What? As I have gotten older and reflect back on this experience I am disappointed in the fact that my own teacher, who was a woman, had the typical thought of being a mom isn't a career of itself. Don't we pay people to take care of our children to pursue a career? Isn't that their career? So wouldn't that make being a mom a career, minus the money? I feel that with careers and goals, everything has become about money, not about the personal relationships and the internal gain we have from the experience, the growth, the knowledge.

I must say, I love this article by Dennis Prager called "Does a Full-Time Homemaker Swap Her Mind for a Mop?" because it talks about how much knowledge she can obtain while she is at home. Women who do stay home are viewed as lazy and just "watch soap operas and eat bon-bons" when many are actually working hard to keep learning or helping their children and doing things that are required for daily life. Sure, they can choose to be lazy, but they also have the choice to work hard in the home and continually learn.

Next time you run into someone who is planning on being a "stay-at-home" mother, tell them they are awesome and support them in their decision. They are putting their children's life and the hope and growth of the future generation before themselves.

More to Communication

"What you say is most important" Some would say; however, there is more to communicating than just the words you say or use.

It is important to be aware that when you are talking to someone, there is more going on than the words coming out of one's mouth. Your tone of voice as well as your body language can really determine the meaning of what you are saying. You might say, "I have to go to work." you can say it and mean it is informational, but your angry tone of voice makes it sound like you have to go and you are angry at the person for making you go. You could also be listening to someone and say you agree to something, but your body looks like you are really relaxed and you are looking elsewhere which says, "I am agreeing but really I don't know what you just said" or "I am not that interested and I am agreeing so you will stop talking."

Therefore, yes your word choice is important, but also the way you send it, verbally with tone and non-verbally with body language.

We must also remember that there is a receiver, who might communicate differently. So when both are talking, not even talking but communicating without meaning to, there is a process:

MY THOUGHT  =>  ENCODE  =>  MEDIUM  =>  DECODE  =>  THE OTHER'S THOUGHT
Then when responding to show what they received from the message.
THE OTHER'S THOUGHT  =>  DECODE  =>  MEDIUM  =>  ENCODE  => MY THOUGHT

So one has a thought, then puts it in a way that they personally understand, then put it into a medium (words, tone, or non-verbal) which sends the message. The receiver then decodes it in the way that they understand or communicate, and then they send a message back in reaction to the message they received. They encode it the way they understand (which can be different from the original sender) and then send it in the form of one of the mediums and then it has to be decoded (possibly different from they way it was encoded).

This is one way miscommunication can happen (as well as many other ways). The two people communicating have different ways of encoding and therefore decode the other's message differently and certain things that were meant are missed. Being understanding of how the other communicates or responds to things can be very helpful and being willing to adjust and learn how to convey a message across that both of you will understand and not lose any details.

Deep Breath...

Within our personal families we all have trials to face. We all have moments of struggle, and in times unexpected a crisis.

Might I just say, like Kelly Clarkson's song says, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"

Now, I know I may not know you, or what you are going through, nor the extent of it and what it has done to you. However, I do know you are not alone, there are others out there who have experienced similar, if not the same, thing you are going through or have gone through.

Trying to overcome or withstand or work your way through this crisis will take time and EFFORT. You might want to try and see the situation from a different standpoint, look at it from another family member's or peers' eyes. By doing this you can see the situation from possibly a better view and can evaluate and solve it.

One of the tips I learned this week were to take responsibility, not to blame the situation on someone, but to recognize that it is there and that you have part in it and that there is something you can do about it. I know people who just "play victim" and try to wallow in their sorrow to in the end attain attention and they don't progress. That doesn't make you stronger. No, to become strong from a trial that could "kill" some aspect of your life is to face it and to improve and overcome, well, that takes ACTION!

I know it is hard, but you have your family around you to help, overcome a grudge those who do love you, you never know, they might have gone through the same thing, or perhaps are going through the same thing.

Sexual Differences

This week in class we talked about the sexual differences between males and females. One difference was that females take longer to be aroused than males, and that females arousal remains longer than males.

Knowing this we were asked, "What could be some challenges or opportunities with this?" Some challenges would  be that the couple would misunderstand one another and interpret their reactions wrongly. That one might feel neglected while the other seems pushed, when really their bodies work differently. Another might be that it could be hard to connect. Another challenge might be that one manipulates the other by seeing their sexual relation as a weakness.

Now, some opportunities with having this difference will strengthen marriage and the love between the two individuals. Such as there being more intimacy--spending time together; they can do so by working together to make it more pleasant, they both become aware of the other and their needs and worry about them and not themselves, therefore creating a sense of selflessness. It can also provide the opportunity to work at or become patient, as well as develop communication skills.

We must be aware of these sexual differences and see it in a way to grow, not inhibit.

As a side note, I believe that sexual relations should remain within the bonds of marriage and that it should only be discussed with your spouse and in private. If in counseling it is good to discuss it, but with a good purpose. Sex is sacred.

Effort Is Required

I must say that in my own observations, a lot (not all) of young, and possibly some older, couples tend to have an expectation for marriage that seems unrealistic. They seem to think that once you are married you are done. This may be true in the sense of dating and finding someone to tie the knot with, but not with putting forth effort.

It seems that right as they marry and have the "honeymoon glow" for a couple months they are doing just great and are romantic and very involved, then life hits, and then they stop "trying" they don't always look their best, they rarely show enthusiasm toward you or what you have to say. When an argument comes they "blow up" and they bicker and continue that contention instead of discussing and working it out.

By this point couples tend to think, "Did I marry the wrong person?" "Is marriage this hard?" or "I don't want to do this anymore." This then leads to more doubts and eventually separation or possibly divorce.

Now, the thing is, is that effort is needed in marriage. You both are responsible for each other, you look after one another and protect and care about one another. You WILL have arguments, but it is how you resolve them that really matters, learning how to resolve issues between one another is key and will not only settle the dispute, but will strengthen the marriage and bring you closer together.

Expectations

So, the subject for this week's lesson has been preparing for marriage. Now, this is mostly about dating. However, I am going to be focusing on the beginning of dating: the first date.

In the past Jillian has been going on several dates with different guys. She rarely would get past the first date, and she now knows why: EXPECTATIONS. Jillian has gone into dates thinking of all the possibilities of what could happen and possibly starting a relationship; she was jumping the gun. However, these expectations usually would skew her view of the person she was with. Instead of looking at them as a friend or trying to get to know them better, Jillian was thinking of them as a potential relationship. This view then would make her analyze them unfairly and lead her to "end" what wasn't even a relationship in the first place--and lose a possibly great friend. Now, if Jillian would have gone into the dates thinking, "Okay, I want to get to know him better, because he seems like a nice guy to know." She would have saved herself a lot of hurt. With this outlook she is able to begin setting a foundation for a friendship, not a serious relationship. Then if things progress and they like each other on the "friend" basis they can progress to think about starting a relationship after a few dates, or activities.

The other plus side to having "friendship" expectations is the pressure on yourself. If Jillian is going on a date with a guy and having the expectations of a possible relationship she then would feel the need to really impress the guy. Whereas if she goes in with "friendship" expectations, Jillian can be herself and her date can see her for who she really is and can personally feel comfortable, and her date can too. When one of you is comfortable and is being yourself and being "chill" the other will catch on and will do the same. When this happens you can actually see the real them and actually have that casual sense and create a friendship.

Teaching Kindness

This week in my Family Relations class we discussed Same-Sex Attraction. Now, I must preface with me stating that I am a firm believer in traditional marriage. I do not believe that those who are gay were born that way, but made the choice to follow misunderstood signals they may have experienced. I say this because many go through a time where they might have been sexually abused, rejected by same-sex peers, or misread a nonspecific arousal in pre-adolescence. There have been studies about people that face same-sex attraction and several show that they were abused, bullied, or misinterpreted certain experiences. This is more common among males.

I am going to focus on the bullied by peers subject for this posting.

Now, I will explain why I say this is more common among males. When a girl dresses like a boy, what do we do? We think it's cute, and doesn't really seem out of the ordinary. When a boy does something like a girl, or wears something more feminine, what TYPICALLY do we do? We think, "What is wrong with him?" and typically try to change him. Now some parents would argue to say, "No, no, we accept them for who they want to be." Yes, very good, but what about their peers? They will think the same thing, "There is something wrong with this kid, and we shouldn't hang out with him because he is just like a girl." Even when they are five, they think something along these lines, and it continues to pre-adolescence. At that age the boy who seems more feminine might look at a guy and then think to themselves, "He is attractive...wait, what is wrong with me? Am I homosexual?" and they begin to doubt themselves. Now, it isn't a problem until they sexualize it and act on those thoughts or linger on them.

Now, think about in a logical sense, and some cases have shown this, when a male is rejected by other males, and sees himself then more as a female, he will become friends with more females, however, not knowing or understanding other males he gets curious and wants to know what is unknown to him, therefore leading him to have same-sex attraction, however, this is not sexualized, until the male might have an nonspecific arousal while going through puberty and mistaking it as being fully attracted to them. Therefore, they have misinterpreted this experience.

This is what a wise woman once said, "You can look at someone and think 'they are attractive' and it is okay, it is when you get 'heated' and I would say 'cool your jets.'" This quote means that you can say someone of the same or opposite sex is attractive and it is okay, but when you linger on it and have inappropriate thoughts that are sexual it is a problem.

Now, when it comes to being bullied, I feel that it needs to be stopped, how might we do this? BY TEACHING OUR CHILDREN. We tell our children to be kind to one another, but they will still have that tendency to be rude to the opposite sex and those who are different than them, even if they are the same sex. Therefore, I would try to explain to my child, and I advise you to do so as well, to be kind to those boys, or girls, who might be different than them, that you should still invite them to do things they like to do. Then the child who likes "girly" things doesn't feel rejected, and is given opportunities to learn things that are typical among boys, or visa versa.

I hope this makes sense, and I a know it is a touchy subject; I had a hard time writing this.